Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Important Information Regarding Your Student Loan

I get a lot of calls from student loan officers. I'd say they keep turning up like a bad penny, but bad pennies don't call your second cousins at 6 in the morning on a Sunday.

Most people I know also in this predicament make an honest, modest effort to pay them. I simply duck calls and fantasize about Sallie Mae sending out their most hardened rookie officer to bring me in. Of course I give chase and somewhere in all the running from the heavy hand of financial failure for life, odd jobs, and paychecks lost to rent, improv class, and local shows we see each other for who we really are: just two people getting the screws put to us by the fatcat invisible man.

Then there are explosions and car chases and me almost falling off the top of the Sears Tower but my student loan officer catches me by the wrist and could just let me drop because he hates my guts so much for making his life such a living hell and he could really do it, really, but I look in his eyes and say:

"If you let me fall who will pay the interest?"

And for a second he'll look at me with squinty seafoam eyes. Then he'll say "You're crazy, Zageris. Goddam crazy." Help me up, return my roguish smile, and watch me vanish into the night like a girl drowning distantly at sea.

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